Yondercast 003 - Apology Sushi, Fishing Lures and Other Wonderful Things

[theme music: "Lost Mind" by ParaVerse]

Intro

[background music: "Look around" by Very Large Array, provided by Magnatune]

Hey, Traveller! Can you give me a hand?

What am I doing? I'm carrying all of your stuff outside, to the top of that hill over there.

Why? We're going to have a bonfire! I brought marshmallows.

What do you mean, stop? You weren't doing anything with all this stuff; it was just sitting there. We might as well set it on fire!

What, set my own stuff on fire?

Um . . . sure! Ok!

Will ya help me?

Welcome to Yondercast, Episode 003, Bonfire Edition - Apology Sushi, Fishing Lures and Other Wonderful Things.

Short Essay

[background music: "Soupy Sails" by Zilla, provided by Magnatune]

"Abandoned Cake and Apology Sushi"

A few days ago, a friend gave my sister some sushi as an apology gift. Apparently, he had eaten cake that she had left in his fridge.
Two issues are immediately apparent here, folks.

First of all, if you leave perfectly good cake at someone's house, I say it's fair game. I'm not saying that you can take your friend's movie collection, wallet or mate if they leave those behind. That would be plain wrong. But cake is a different matter entirely. Cake appeals to the spiritual side of human nature. Just as we have a God-given instinct to smile back at smiling babies or to sing/dance along with Josie and the Pussycats songs, we are drawn to eat cake that has been left behind. Just imagine the cake, sitting there, all alone on the cold refrigerator shelf. Imagine the icing running down it's sad, cakey face.

It's not a sin to eat abandoned cake. Nay, it is your duty! It may even be a sin not to eat it.

The second issue is that sushi is an excellent peace offering. I like the offbeat humour of it. "I'm sorry for eating that delicious piece of cake. As a peace offering, please accept this raw fish wrapped in damp rice and seaweed."

But sushi is only the beginning, folks. Here is my list of creative peace offerings and nifty gift ideas:

• a Lava Lamp, because they've accumulated several decades of coolness by now.
• an oven timer, because everyone wears a watch or checks the time on their cell phones. Offer your friend a unique alternative.
• a spool of fishing line, because once you carry it around for a while, you will find uses for it.
• several milk crates, because they make great bookshelves and handy catchall boxes.
• a pack of light switch cover plates. You know, those plastic rectangles with two screws in them. They get dirty and boring if you don't change them once in a while. Throw in some glow-in-the-dark stickers to decorate them with.
• interesting phrases torn from books, because then your friends will know that you think about them even when you're reading.
• glow sticks by the dozen, just in case your friend ever gets lost in a dark place.
  

Now I'm kinda hoping one of my friends will offend me. My room's light switch cover plate is looking kinda grungy.

Poem

[background music: "INSTRUMENTAL - Only Whispering" by Josh Woodward, provided by the Podsafe Music Network]

"Other"

Anger, and other bright fishing lures,
I would cast into your waters,
hoping for a bite, hoping for a fight,
some sign of
"You're alive!"

Love, and other bright clues,
I hid from you
for fear of what you would do,
how you would chew.
(I've seen you eat Innocent Infatuation alive.)

Suspicion, and other how-to manuals,
I stole from your bookshelves.
You've never read them,
but they were becoming the air you
breathed everyday.

Poetry, and other insidious devices,
I built in your workshop,
using the odds and ends I found there.
Then I just left them;
theyweretooheavytocarry.

All this I've done for you,
never realizing that you moved away
a yearn and a daze ago.

Song

[provided by Magnatune]

"Love Dog" by Chris Juergensen

Fantasy Piece

[background music: "Nagme" by Tim Rayborn, provided by Magnatune]

"Chores"

Of all the chores I do as de facto owner of Yonderman's Tower, the only one I utterly detest is repotting the Pajuni Vine. As some of you well know, Pajuni Vines require prompt repotting on the third Wednesday of every month. Thus, every third Wednesday, I have to gather the following items:

• any ancient urn
• spade with oak handle
• 3 gardening stakes
• 27 feet of twine
• pair of chain mail gardening gloves
• solar-powered record player
• record of classical music
  

I will not describe the correct procedure for doing this hateful chore, as there are ample instructions in Repotting Pajuni Vines for Persons of Lesser Intellect. However, I will tell you that it is an arduous job, and that it is making a man out of me, although maybe a slimier and smellier one.
My favourite chore is feeding the Moat Creature! What does it eat? Here is the recipe:

• 25 pounds of freshly cooked ramen noodles
• 5 pounds of frozen shrimp
• 20 pounds of live plankton
• 9 cans of Shrendelli's Extra Mushy Avocado Paste
• 3 bottles of Jedikiah's Famous Hot Sauce
  

Combine all ingredients in a wheelbarrow and stir. I use a spade to stir, but not the same spade that I use for repotting the Pajuni Vine!
I did not arrive at the recipe myself. It was written on a scroll sealed inside a Berkin's Root Beer bottle found floating in the Mysterious Goldfish Pool. It was entitled "Miss Derringer's Recipe for Feeding the Moat Creature."

Who is Miss Derringer? Where is she now? How long did it take her to invent the recipe? How do you invent a recipe for feeding Moat Creatures? What exactly is the Moat Creature, anyway? Is it dangerous? Did it devour Miss Derringer?
I don't know the answers to your questions. But I will seek out the truth in these matters and let you know.

Outro

[background music: "Light of the Heart" by Suzanne Teng, provided by Magnatune]

Thank you for helping me set my stuff on fire, you little pyromaniac!

Check out the show notes at www.yonderman.com. E-mail me at shane@yonderman.com.

Thanks

A million thanks to Magnatune, the Podsafe Music Network and ParaVerse for the music used on this episode.

Yondercast 002 - Loss, Love and Scraps of Paper

[theme music: "Lost Mind" by ParaVerse]

Guest Poem

"Struck" by gtg

I am having
a paper day
you approach
me
like a struck
match

Intro

[background music: "Take me to the World" by The Kokoon, provided by Magnatune]

Something has to change around here! Time to get unhinged! Time to cast some pods upon the waters!

Prose

[background music: "Eastern Sky-touchingGrace" by DJ Cary, provided by Magnatune]

I turned my back for just a moment, paying the $24.99 adoption fee. When I looked up, my new pet was run-crawling down the street, as fast as its little tentacles could carry it. Yelling a little-known Shennanian war cry, I took off after it, determined that my hard-earned chair-smashing money should not go to waste.

The little guy was goofy-looking on the ground, but it soon shimmied up a telephone pole and took to the miles and miles of telephone wires. Up there, it was much more natural, almost beautiful. Its eight tentacles grasped and released the wires effortlessly, propelling itself quite rapidly. My heart sank. I had no hope of catching it now.

In the distance, I saw it drop down to the street. I took off running, hoping, hoping! But it was not to be. My eight-limbed pet hailed a passing cab . . . and drove out of my life forever.

I often think about it, wondering how it has made its way in the wide, wide world. I sometimes imagine that it met a female of its kind, and is raising a thriving family, somewhere on the telephone wires high above these dingy city streets. I sometimes imagine that it learned how to drive, and is now driving cab in Istanbul or Cairo. I sometimes imagine that it is in some far lake, joyfully terrorizing nervous minnows.

Two Poems

[background music: "The funerals (Anthony Holborne)" by Emily Van Evera, provided by Magnatune]

"The Troubadour's Quarry Speaks"

[Inspired by Bruce Cockburn's “Spring Song.”]

I expected loud music from you,

a rock concert I could disappear into.

Instead, this sweetly aching melody,

breaking me open

as softly as an archaeologist chipping at stone

to find something petrified inside.

What a dirty trick,

singing to me

while I’m at my strongest!

If weak, crumbling from some previous pressure,

I could have at least shattered to

d u s t

at your slightest touch.

But no, you,

with your resonating steel strings,

your gently magnetic voice,

you slowly and so easily

expose

me.

I am your quarry tonight,

nothing but a gaping hole in the ground,

the absence of any solid thing.

Only you thought to dig any deeper.

Only you thought to

excavate my edges.

"Paper Heart"

This poetry thing sometimes requires

pencil on paper

instead of pixels on a

glowing screen.

Don’t really know why.

Except, maybe

my heart is a tree,

hand-written notes tied to every branch.

My heart doesn’t beat;

it rustles like

paper scraps in the wind.

It feels the way

paper under pencil nib feels.

Song

[provided by: the Podsafe Music Network]

"Sandpaper Heart" by Laura Hughes

I love this gentle little song. You can find out more about Laura Hughes at http://www.myspace.com/laurahughes1.

Outro

[outro music:"Light of the Heart" by Suzanne Teng, provided by Magnatune]

Was catharsis achieved during this episode?

Thanks

Thanks to you for listening! Thanks to gtg for the amazing, diamond-like poem I read at the beginning of this episode. Thanks to Magnatune for the background music. Thanks to ParaVerse for the theme music.