Yondercast 007 - I Wonder What Tomorrow Brings?
Listen to this Episode
http://www.yonderman.com/yondercast007.mp3Intro
Yesterday I bought a Betta fish. His name is Si Fi. I'm experiencing some paternal instincts right now. I want to teach him everything I know, especially about hope and courage. Wait a moment, I don't know too much about that stuff. I'll teach him about . . . wishful thinking and apathy. No, that doesn't seem right either. I'll just read to him.Welcome, Traveller, to Episode 006 of Yondercast: I Wonder What Tomorrow Brings!
Busy Year
[The background music for this reading is an instrumental called Sugar On My Tongue by Josh Woodward. I found it on the Podsafe Music Network.]I should have read Rudan Bellinsky's The Mortimers by now. After all, the critically-acclaimed novel is under three hundred pages and has an appendix chock-full of aerial photographs, chalk drawings, topographic maps and Venn diagrams. The novel also contains an extremely collectible 16x32" fold-out poster of the Arado Ar 234. I'm a bit ashamed to tell you that I have not even cracked open my copy of the novel.
I had planned to read it the month I wintered up north. Those of you who received my postcards (depicting picturesque Handry County) will remember that I was almost immediately embroiled in a territorial dispute with the local squirrels, who took an instant and inexplicable dislike to me. Between defending my cabin from the little fuzz-tailed, fire-flinging tree-dwellers and hiking back to civilization after my cabin burned down, I didn't have any time to read.
That spring, I worked as a fiddlehead hunter in Lower Cleatstead. I lived in a small tent deep in the forest and spent my days searching for the young ferns. I was so inspired by my natural surroundings and by the taste of the exquisite fiddleheads that I wrote a long poem entitled "The Deep-Forest Nomad" on birch bark. Since I had to take advantage of natural light, I could not read The Mortimers at night as I had foolishly hoped.
I also planned to read it the summer I vacationed at Brillstone Beach. However, you might remember that I first met Easily Distracted that summer. The band was recording at their concept album Gnomes and Flamingos at a small studio in Brillstone. They hired me to write the mythology behind the album. I spent the summer in Room 317 of the Royal Hummingbird Hotel typing away on a laptop. Although my work never appeared directly on the album, I have the satisfaction of understanding the import of such bedeviling lyrics as flamingos of height and doom/stalk the lawn, sneer and loom.
Fall would also have been the perfect time to read the novel. I was living in Dalmor then, attending a poetry workshop at the university. My days were carefree enough. I would wake up at ten in the morning, laze around in a coffee shop till one, work on my poetry projects until five and attend the workshop until nine. The Mortimers would have been the perfect read for my coffee shop hours. However, I could not find a copy of the novel, anywhere! The public library had three copies, but they were all checked out by a mysterious magician only known as The Inscrutable Drunduli. However, I did find a battered copy of the Arado Ar 234 poster at a local second-hand shop. I carried the poster around in my poetry notebook, hoping that it would inspire me. It did. Today the poster is framed and hanging in a place of honour in my house.
So, I have not yet read the novel. However, it is interesting to note that every time I make up my mind to read it, something extraordinary happens to my mundane self!
Weatherman
by The Reverse Engineers, found on the Podsafe Music Network.A Course You Gotta Take
[The background music for this reading is sixfiveoneoh by Bjorn Fogelberg. I found it at Magnatune.com.]Welcome to Defence Against the Monstrosity 101. Thank you very much for making time on a Saturday for this brief introductory session. My name is Sergeant Michael Shennan. Over the next six weeks, I'll be teaching you how to defend yourself against the Monstrosity. This course will run for three hours every weekday evening for the next six weeks.
I congratulate you for enrolling in this course and taking your safety, and the safety of your loved ones, into your own hands. The Governments are doing their best to bring the Crisis under control, but it always pays to protect yourself.
As for myself, I have been with Defense Forces for twenty-five years, and have been fighting the Monstrosity for almost ten of those, since the Inwesdula Incident.
In week one, I will teach you vigilance. Although the Monstrosity seems to appear suddenly and without warning, there are signs that it is approaching. By the end of week one, you will know the telltale signs so well that you will dream about them. More importantly, you will recognize them when they are in front of you.
In week two, I will teach you flight. It is possible to escape the Monstrosity, although it is rare. I will teach you how to use urban structures, such as bridges, tunnels and culverts, to successfully evade the Monstrosity. I will also introduce you to a local young woman who escaped the Monstrosity two years ago. She'll share her experience with you.
In week three, I will teach you to use your God-given intelligence to battle the Monstrosity. The Monstrosity itself has intelligence. I can see you are shocked. Yes, our scientists consider the Monstrosity an intelligent entity. But keep in mind, that like us, the Monstrosity has its dumb moments. I'm going to train you to be at your smartest so that you can catch the Monstrosity making errors in judgment.
In week four, I will teach you how to fight the Monstrosity. Notice that this is not the first skill taught in this course. Just because you encounter the Monstrosity does not mean that you will have to battle it hand-to-claw. I advise that you use the time leading up to week four to get into shape. It will be a strenuous week.
In week five, I will teach you how to use several anti-Monstrosity weapons. Here is an example of one of the latest. This is the Wryson Disintegrator MX-12. No, don't worry, it's not as heavy as it looks. This is the same model my ten-year-old son carries with him at all times. Although we still don't know how to kill the Monstrosity, you can sometimes temporarily wound it enough to distract it from targeting you.
In week six, I will teach you how to wage a successful vendetta against the Monstrosity. In very rare cases, nothing will repulse the Monstrosity except a long, brutal vendetta. It has been proved that the Monstrosity gets bored of attacking a person if the person fights back for a hundred and fifty-six days. I will teach you how to track the Monstrosity, how to use guerilla techniques against it and how to survive over five months of anti-Monstrosity warfare.
Remember, you are not alone. The Governments are working to get rid of the Monstrosity once and for all.
Thank you very much. I'll see you all back here Monday evening, 7:00 sharp!
Outro
Si Fi sends a greeting to your fish. At least I think it is a greeting . . .Shownotes are at www.yonderman.com. Contact me at shane@yonderman.com.
The theme music of Yondercast is Lost Mind by ParaVerse.
The outro music is Light of the Heart by Suzanne Teng, provided by Magnatune.
